ROOMMATE TOO NICE _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ From: zerkle@cs.ucdavis.edu (Dan Zerkle) Subject: Roommate too nice Newsgroups: alt.flame.roommate In article <1993Nov23.212158.1@wcsub.ctstateu.edu hutchings001@wcsub.ctstateu.edu (Grendel) writes: Hmmm, okay any suggestions about what to do if your roommate is too nice??? I mean nice to the point were if I'm in my room alone for more than 5 minutes he comes in and spends a 1/2 hour trying to find out if anything is wrong and do I want to talk about it. ARGH! It drives me up the wall sometimes.... ok all the time... especially if I'm trying to do something like, oh, homework for example. There are actually quite a few solutions to this problem. One or another should work. 25 Different Ways to Get Your Roommate to Bug Off #1 Get him laid. That's what he really needs. He will stop paying attention to you and pay attention to someone else. #2 Use the direct approach. When he comes in, say, "I'm doing homework now. Can I talk to you later?." If that's too polite, say "Go away now. I'm doing homework." #3 Use the "bad cat" approach. Purchase a high-powered squirt gun. Whenever he does something like that, say "I'm doing my homework. Anyone interrupting me will be wet." Then, blast away. He's been warned. I've discovered that this is an excellent way to keep my cat from scratching the furniture. I yelled at him and moved him until I realized that he was doing it for attention. After I squirted him three different times, he stopped permanently. Use a squirt bottle if the gun is too silly. #4 Buy a monster stereo and some tapes of the Sex Pistols, the Misfits, the BeeGees, and Barry Manilow. Turn it on and play it really loud when you don't want to be interrupted. #5 Set a small bear trap near the door. Cover it with a towel. #6 Bring over your girlfriend. Do what comes naturally, but make it loud. Record this. Play that on your monster stereo. #7 Whenever he comes in, give him a strange look, then climb out the window. Come back around to the front door and re-enter your room. Repeat as necessary. If he asks any questions, just say, "It's too cold in here!" #8 Masturbate. #9 If he's a Democrat, put up big pictures of Ronald Reagan. If he's Republican, use Michael Dukakis. Intersperse either with posters of Margaret Thatcher. #10 Smoke. #11 Buy a book on Black Magic. Put a hex on him if he gets too close. #12 Get a guard dog. Rottweilers and Doberman Pincers are good. #13 Buy two monster stereos. Play different music (see #4) from each--at the same time. #14 Give him a haircut. #15 Start asking him to help you with the homework. #16 Ask him for the password. If he doesn't know it, don't let him in. #17 Get a doorknob with a lock on it. Put it on your door to lock him out, or his door to lock him in. #18 Lie in the middle of the floor and play dead. #19 Get a pet rattlesnake. Let it loose once in awhile. #20 Start a used chewing gum collection. Show him your favorite exhibits whenever he come in. #21 Ignore him completely. Pretend you can't see or hear him at all. #22 Challenge him to see if he can hold his breath for two minutes. Use the squirt gun if he fails. #23 Give him a "whirly." #24 Refer to him as "Marsha." If he asks why, refuse to explain. And, since this IS alt.flame.roommate.... #25 Kill him. Cyanide works well. -- Dan Zerkle zerkle@cs.ucdavis.edu (916) 753-3467